|
A grizzled old man was eating in a
truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette
into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man, spit into the
old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man, turned over
the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a muttering word of protest, the old man
gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the
waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!"
And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver
either.
He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"
A
blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The
bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, "before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair ...given that you are blind, that you should know
five things:
1.
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3.
I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now,
think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the
sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
One day there are two rednecks walking down the
road, one is carrying a bag that says "chickens." The other one says to him, if I guess how many chickens are in that bag,
can I have one? The other one replies "HEY! If you can guess how many are in the bag, I will give you both of them!"
The other guy says... "UM....... five?????"
A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full
of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a rather large
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"I think they use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No way," said another, "I reckon he's just for good luck."
The third kid brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
3 Men were sentenced to 25 years of solitary confinement.
As a concession, the governer allowed each of them to take one item into his cell.
The first guy asked for a pile of books; the second
for his wife; the third asked for 100 cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the 25 years, the first prisoner was
released and said: "Those books proved immensely invaluable. I've studied so hard I can now train to be a lawyer. I'm really
happy."
The second man stepped out of his cell, with his
wife and 5 new children. He smiled, "My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I'm so happy."
And the third guy said: "Anybody got a match?"
One day, a woman who was 7 months pregnant went into a coma for 6 months. When she woke up, she asks that doctor the
fate of her children. The doc says that they are fine, and that her brother named them. Se says "OH NO! hes an idiot! What
did he name the girl?" doc says "Denise" Thinking that this wasnt too bad, she asked the boys name the doc shook his head
and replied, "denephew."
One day, there were two preist standing on the side of the road holding a sign that read, "Turn back
now, before it is too late!" Well, it wasn't long that someone drove by, as they did, they rolled down their window and yelled
"GO HOME YOU RELIGIOUS NUTS!!!" and they zoomed on past. It wasn't long, and they heard a loud crash! One preist looks at
the other and says, "Do you think we should have wrote "Bridge is out" instead?
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her
husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her
husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in
the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your
father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry
you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"
"Well...I would have gotten out today!"
On their way to a justice of the peace
to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an
intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St.
Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin
to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?"
they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground!
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take
for me to find a lawyer!?"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He
asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to
him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father
if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son,
I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your
hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair...."
To which his father replied... "Yes, you're right...
and they
also WALKED every where they went!"
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid
hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to
his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand
and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing
that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of
gunshots.
Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her
stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming
wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife,
Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay,
lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and
him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered
when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting
them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then
announced, "These aren't my
boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,"Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the
toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next month.
There were these two hunters that had gone out on the woods one day. One of them fell down all of a
sudden! The other one got so worried that he called 911. He tells the lady there "This guy I am with here, I think he's DEAD!"
the lady tells him to calm down and make sure he is dead.....there is silence, then a gunshot. Then the man talks back into
the phone and says "OK, Now what?"
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown,
with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute
quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and
was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
|
